Lessons from my daughter

*note - my daughter agrees with what is in this blog and has given me her permission to post this.  :)

My 10 year old daughter is an incredibly social kid.  She makes friends easily and loves to be around people.  My husband and I could tell from when she was tiny that she was motivated by social time. She is a good student and a decent athlete, but really she goes to school, gymnastics, dance, Girls on the Run, etc, all for the social time. She enjoys the activities, but finds them even more enjoyable if she can share them with friends.

This social kiddo has had some wake up calls this spring.  The first wake-up call came from her teacher.  Her 4th grade teacher invited her students to attend the parent teacher conferences.  During my daugher's conference, her teacher pointed out to her that although her grades are good, her potential is even greater.  She was told that she may be able to coast now, but as work gets harder she will need to work harder to get decent grades.  Her teacher noted that she seems to rush through her work so that she can hang out with friends.  She has always gotten good grades, so my husband and I hadn't realized that she wasn't working up to her potential.

A few weeks later my daughter got similar talks from both her gymnastics coach and her Girls on the Run coach. Her gymnastics coach stated that she didn't seem to be making the corrections she needed to make.  Her scores at her meets have all been good, so we didn't realize that she was coasting.  Her Girls on the Run coach stated that she could run faster and harder than she does, but she doesn't seem to give it 100%.

We came down hard on her at home.  We talked to her about putting more effort into everything she does.  We talked to her about prioritizing, and about acheivement, and about showing people what she is made of.  She visibly stepped up the effort at school and made a point of telling us how hard she was working.  We also got comments from her teacher about seeing more focus.  We weren't really seeing the change, because as I said earlier, her grades have always been good.  We did, however, feel like she was learning a valuable lesson.

She had a gymnastics meet this past weekend.  We talked the whole way there about how she needed to give 100% effort, and how she needed to prove herself, and how she needed to show them what she was made of.  We got to the meet and she got up to do her first event, bars.  I was nervous for her.  I really wanted her to do well, and I wanted her coach to see how hard she was working.  She finished her first skill on the bars, and then completely froze.  Total, complete, brain fart.  She repeated the skill she had started with, threw a couple of other skills in, and ended her routine.  This is the same routine she has done at every meet all season.  She knows it like the back of her hand.  She got the lowest score she has ever gotten on any event.  The pressure got to her.  I knew that was the problem.

I talked to my daughter later about how I thought that I was encouraging her, but it was maybe too much pressure.  She agreed, and said that that our encouragement didn't make her feel more confident and strong.  Our encouragement made her more nervous and she froze.

I'm the one who really had the wake-up call!  Several of them in fact.  My first wake-up call was that encouragement in a pressuring way doesn't work with some people.  My second wake-up call was that my daugher doesn't need to change much (although a little extra effort across the board never hurts)!  It was an important lesson for her that she has the ability to work harder, and that people notice this. Her grades are good and she is an athlete, but maybe her biggest strength is that she is an incredible friend.  She genuinely cares about her friends.  She is a good listener, and a great story teller.  She is good at organizing a group, and cares about making sure no one is left out.  I don't think is is necessary to ask her to be less social.  We have never been told that she is disruptive because of social activity.  Maybe she will just coast in school and sports.  And maybe that's okay.  Her grades are good, she is clearly learning and enjoying school.  She is strong and fit in her sports, and truly doesn't care about winning.  She participates in gymnastics and dance and running because she enjoys the activities, not because she has to be the best.

I think we put too much emphasis on achievement in our society.  Kids are being put on elite teams and in advanced courses at school.  They are expected to work so hard, and show off so well.  I don't think we are making our kids more successful adults by pressuring them.  Kids need to know when it is the appropriate time and circumstance for hard work.  They need to find what they are passionate about, and discover how working hard on something you really love doesn't even feel like work.  They need to be allowed to try activities and continue activities even if they aren't very good at them, just because it's fun.  They need to learn that it is okay to value relationships and friendships over other things if that is what motivates them. It is okay to coast sometimes. What is important is that our children do become productive and successful adults.  Creating stress and anxiety and fear of failure does not lead to success. The most successful adults I know have experienced failure occasionally.  They know that they can try new things and sometimes these efforts work and sometimes they don't.  They know that relationships are the foundation of any success.

I was the one who woke up.  My daugher is awesome just the way she is!  She knows how to work hard when she needs to.  She knows how to be a good friend.  And she knows that she doesn't have to be the best.  I'd say that's pretty successful for a 10 year old girl.