I am not a blogger. I am not a writer. I entitled this blog "borrowing trouble" because that feels a bit like what I am doing. It is a HUGE leap of faith for me (I know, for anyone) to put myself out there and open myself up for critique. For whatever reason this feels like something I HAVE to do right now. My life is in a transitional point, as are the lives of everyone around me. Writing seems like the only way to hopefully process all of the changes.
I just turned 40. I have 3 children who are transitioning from kids to pre-teens and teens with all of the emotions and hormones that go along with that. I have been married for 17 years to a man that I love deeply, and who loves me, but we have had enormous changes in the landscape of our marriage in the past two years. He is also in transition as an individual. He just left a job of 17 years to go to work full time for a company that he has done consulting for over the course of the past 18 years. My oldest son has health problems, and the course of treatment has significantly changed over the past month.
My 40th birthday truly didn't seem like a big deal to me. All of my friends had already hit that mark, and they survived just fine. What is hard is the realization that my days of being a young mom, or a mom with young children are over. I will never again have a first smile, or a first word, or a kindergartner, or a first loose tooth. My boys are 14 and 12, and my daughter is 10. They feel very grown up, and are trying very hard to show me how grown up they are. I am loosening my reigns in a way. I no longer know all of the parents of their friends. I am no longer in charge of scheduling playdates. They are making these arrangements on their own. I love watching them blossom and take responsibility. For the most part, I love the friends and the activities that they are choosing, so in general I feel like they are on a good path. Most moments, I am impressed and very willing to give them independence. Then the coin is flipped and we get massive screaming meltdowns over rediculous issues. We are not screamers in this house, so I do not feel very equiped to deal with a screaming 14 year old. These issues that cause the world to screach to a halt do not seem to be major life issues. It could be because I (God forbid) suggested that a jacket might be a good idea on a 40 degree morning. It could be because I said no more netflix for the evening, come hang out with the family. Or, simply that one child feels jipped because he feels he hasn't gotten a fair number of times in the front seat. I feel like I am living with the sweetest most compassionate children one moment, and 3 Jekyl and Hydes the next!
My oldest son has additional challenges. He has a massive (baseball size) cyst in his brain, and hydrocephalus. He has had 7 brain surgeries to date. He is incredible, considering the anatomy of his brain. He is bright, articulate, and completely normal cognitively. If you met him, you would never know that he had been through so much. Not only is he in a place of transition just being a 14 year old boy, he is also in a transitional place medically. In his past, anytime he has had neurological symptoms - headaches, nausea, etc) it has been due to a malfunctioning shunt. The neurosurgeon would replace the shunt, and amazingly, Collin would be back at school before we knew it! He has bounced back from every one of his 7 surgeries remarkably well. Recently, however, he has been having symptoms again. The neurosurgeon has determined that the shunt is partially blocked, but has decided that the risk of going in surgically at this point is too great. So, we are in a place of managing symptoms with medication and essentially waiting for Collin to get worse. It is frustrating for all of us, and I think confusing for Collin. He is used to a fairly quick fix and that fix isn't happening. When he has massive melt downs, or when he holes himself up in his bedroom for hours on end, it makes it hard to tease out whether that is due to just being a 14 year old boy, or due to headaches, or stress, or what.
With all of these changes, I find myself with a whirlwind of emotions. I'm scared about the future. I'm excited about the possibilities and changes. I'm grieving the disappearing youth of my children. And, simultaneously I am bored with the mundane, every day routine. Every day of the week looks the same, and every weekend looks the same. I find that my girl friends are my lifeline, and my litmus paper that we are normal, because they all seem to be experiencing the same things at their house.
I try to remember that our journey is exclusively our own. I have to find out, and do what I love (thus the writing). My children are also on their own journey. Hopefully my husband and I can help guide them. Ultimately, we all hope that our children will turn out okay in spite of us. We are so lucky to get to watch these beautiful beings learn who they are, and what drives them, and what they are passionate about. I have a friend who says "You have to treat children like a bars of soap. If you don't hold tight enough they slip out of your hands, but if you hold them too tight they also slip out of your hands." I'm hoping that I will be able to loosen my grip just enough to keep them close.
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